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Boring? Chose the best collection of funny jokes to laugh with all your family and friends.
Joke
Why Bill Gates might sell off Microsoft
Banta had recently purchased a new computer with Microsoft Windows as the operating system and was unhappy with the same and writes a letter to Bill Gates,
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring in to your notice.
There is a button “start” but there is no “stop” button. We request you to provide it.
One doubt is whether any “re-scooter” is available in system?
I find only “re-cycle”, but I own a scooter at my home.
There is “Find” button but it is not working properly.
My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this “Find” button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
My child has learnt “Microsoft Word” now he wants to learn “Microsoft sentence”, so when you will provide that?
I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows “My Computer” when you will provide the remaining items?
It is surprising that window says “MY Pictures” but there is not even a single photo of mine.
So when will you keep my photo in that?
There is “MICROSOFT OFFICE” what about “MICROSOFT HOME” since I use the PC at home only.
You provided “My Recent Documents”. When you will provide “My Past Documents”?
You provide “My Network Places”. For God sake please do not provide “My Secret Places”.
I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling “WINDOWS”?
Regards,
Banta
Joke
Ten commandments of marriage
1 - Marriages are made in heaven. But, so again, are thunder and lightning.
2 - If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3 - Marriage is grand and divorce is at least 100 grand!
4 - Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
5 - When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or wife.
6 - Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7 - Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
8 - Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9 - Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry, That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
10 - A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished!
Joke
A charged up love letter
Dear -ve charge,
It was a fine morning that I saw you in Physics Lab and a Torque began acting on me, which made me to rotate about your axis. A force of gravity began attracting me towards you. Every time, day and night, you are oscillating in my mind. But, your strong Electrostatics brother began repelling me.
Since the Units and Dimensions were not correct, I avoided talking face to face. One day, I saw him outside my house and an electric shock was produced in me. So, I went in an Inertial frame and tried to integrate your phone number.
But, every time I failed to apply the Limits. You are the light of my life. By Doppler's effect, I feel that you are very close to my heart. Today morning, a Pseudo force was acting on me which compelled me to write the letter. A wave is traveling from you to me. I request you to meet me at Adiabetic Park. Please don't differentiate me. I am in Tension.
Yours attractively,
+ve charge
Joke
Legal and logical explained
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
Joke
Parking the car
The announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the power went out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Norman says...
Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
Joke
Parrot shopping
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.
The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one cost 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."
Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him the boss!"
Joke
Microsoft looking for new chairman
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new chairman for Microsoft Europe.
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun an Indian (Mumbai) guy.
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says “Kaisa hai rey tu”
The other candidate answers “Acha hai rey”
Joke
Mathematics
Romance mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Office arithmetic
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
General equations and statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Longevity
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Propensity to change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Discussion technique
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Joke
Chinese baby name
A Chinese man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to deliver.
The wife however gave birth to a black baby.
The Chinese man who was shocked named him “SOME TIN WONG”
Joke
A husband’s true feelings
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Joke
Secret of a happy married life by a man
Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
X asked, "Can you explain?"
Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"
Y said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
X asked, "Then what is your role?"
Y said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".
Joke
Definition of a kiss by Professors
Prof. of Economics
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Accountancy
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Physiology
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Philosophy
Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of Comp. Science
What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable!
Prof. of English
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Architecture
Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
Joke
Java interview attended by Banta
Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... nothing more
Q. What is JFC?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee
Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tires and auto rickshaws will have 3 tires.
Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A. Send it through courier.
Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA?
A. As you wish, I do not have any objections.
Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other?
A. Sorry, Non living things can't communicate.
Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Q. What is the use of Servlets?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.
Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.
Q. What is JAR file?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.
Q. What is JINI?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.
Q. How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.
Q. What is bean? Where it can be used?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree?
A. When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.
Joke
Hindi movies and software professionals
Sajan Chale Sasural: Computer professional coming to US
1942, a Love story: Sticking to one company for more than a year
Dil to Pagal Hai: Staying in India, dreaming of US
Sapnay: Green card
Sadma: Rejected H-1(B) Visa
Khalnayak: Body shoppers
Deewana Mastana: Project Manager - Team Leader
Rakhwala: Project Manager
Mr. Bechara: Computer professional in Singapore
Zanjeer: Company bond
Himmatwala: Breaking company bond
Tohfa: H-4 Visa for your Wife
Mawaali: Before coming to US
Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman: Once you are in US
Chaudhvin ka Chand: Assembly programmer
Sahib Bibi aur Ghulam: Client, your company and you
Joke
Beggars of today
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs: 10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs: 7.50
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing"
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs: 5
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me Rs: 10 every day, then Rs: 7,50 and now only Rs: 5 What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further"
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks
"Four" the man replies
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense"
Joke
My Dad is great
How children think of there dad at different ages
At 4 Years: My daddy is great.
At 6 Years: My daddy knows everybody.
At 10 Years: My daddy is good but is short tempered
At 12 Years: My daddy was very nice to me when I was young.
At 14 Years: My daddy is getting fastidious.
At 16 Years: My daddy is not in line with the current times.
At 18 Years: My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.
At 20 Years: Oh! It's becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how Mom puts up with him.
At 25 Years: Daddy is objecting to everything.
At 30 Years: It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so scared of my father when I was young.
At 40 Years: Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. Even I should do the same.
At 45 Years: I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.
At 50 Years: My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. I am unable to manage a single son.
At 55 Years: My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us. He is one of his kind and unique.
At 60 Years: My daddy is great.
Thus, it took 56 Years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st stage!
Joke
E-Business in India
A corrupt minister used to write 'NOT APPROVED' on all the papers that were sent to him by his assistants, He always left a significant space between NOT and APPROVED.
When the affected persons suitable greased his palms, he would recall the file and just add an 'E:' after NOT so that it became 'NOTE: APPROVED'.
This was the beginning of eBusiness in India!
Joke
The right name
Trying to find just the right name for your child? Why not pick one of these? Just find your profession below and we have right name for your baby,
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Hair stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Joke
Driving styles
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window - Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn - Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator - Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror - New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat - Italy
One hand on horn, one hand greeting, one ear on cell phone, one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator, eyes on female pedestrians, conversation with someone in the car - Welcome to India!
Joke
Do you know? How companies named their businesses
Adobe
Came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the house of founder John Warnock.
Apache
It got its name because its founders got started by applying patches to code written for NCSA's httpd daemon. The result was 'A PAtCHy' server -- thus, the name Apache.
Apple Computers
Favorite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5 o'clock.
CISCO
It’s not an acronym but the short for San Francisco.
Compaq
Using COM, for computer, and PAQ to denote a small integral object.
GNU
A species of African antelope. Founder of the GNU project Richard Stallman liked the name because of the humor associated with its pronunciation and was also influenced by the children's song 'The Gnu Song' which is a song sung by a gnu. Also it fitted into the recursive acronym culture with 'GNU's Not Unix'.
Google
The name started as a Jokey boast about the amount of information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders - Stanford grad students Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google'!
Hotmail
Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective upper casing.
HP
Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.
Intel
Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain, so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.
Java
Originally called Oak by creator James Gosling, from the tree that stood outside his window, the programming team had to look for a substitute as there was another language with the same name. Java was selected from a list of suggestions. It came from the name of the coffee that the programmers drank.
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